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Control?
Saturday. 3.8.08 2:13 am
So, I guess shit's been more rough than I thought it was. I'm sad, not because of what I've resorted to again, but, because of how good it feels right now. How good it feels right now... It's an amazing, scary feeling, this bizarre concept. Now all I need to do is go to the beach right now, and float in the ice-cold water. I wouldn't feel it with how emotionally numb I am at the moment.

It's not even big things. Nothing bad that's BIG has happened, really. It's a bunch of small little shits that have been building up, I guess. I'm supposed to have a one-on-one with Al tomorrow, and I feel like the subject is going to change drastically from what I had originally planned (irritation from being cockblocked and just plain being in the vicinity so fucking much by the same guy). I dunno. I have a feeling this is gonna go back to how I should be in psychiatric services.

What I'm wondering, though, is what exactly the fuck happened to cause this major shift in my perspective! Again, that is. For some years, I felt indifferent, normal about it, and then the feeling developed into pride. By winter break, towards the start of winter quarter, I was feeling ashamed about it.. Now, it's weird. It's a mixture of pride, love... actually, maybe it's gotten to the point of obsession. In such a short period of time! Mindboggling.

I feel like I could faint at any minute now. I've had this vibe for a while. I know that I'm not eating as much as I should, that I'm not sleeping as much as I should. That I'm not on top of things. But I'm not doing any worse in my classes, really. At least, not in cogsci, not in compsci, not in vis. That last paper sucked balls, though. However, it is probably because of this, because of my unexpected maintenance of academia, that nobody has noticed.

Then the guilt ensues.
And the reader wonders what the fuck I was talking about.

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22 Dollars?!
TUESDAY, 2/5/2008 - 11:12pm


My wireless disconnected while I was trying to save this graffiti on facebook. :( One of my roommates, Jenny, and I have wasted over an hour trying to figure out what food to get, or what kind of pizza to order. We came up with nothing. Are you kidding me? 22 bucks for a pizza??! That is 22 items at the 99-cents store. Or money for books. Eeerrhhgh..

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Productivity...?
MONDAY, 2/4/2008 @ 6:50P
Ok, so I've been studying, or reading, or whatever, for the most part here on the seventh floor of Geisel since 2 this afternoon. It's been nearly 5 hours. And I am not sick of it yet. I don't know, probably because I still get distracted. But at least I feel more productive, right? Ehhh..

Also, I've been listening to jpop and like Final Fantasy instrumentals lately. I think it's what I focus best with. Or classical, but I'm diggin' this anyway.

DUDE! And I'm here with the most obnoxious (but not really) person on the planet. Who brings the strongest smellest food possible to the library?? Noodles and a wrap with pesto sauce? And where did those chips come from?

This place is like a refrigerator, honestly! But I feel like we're so obnoxious with our food. ...oh well. Can't help hunger.

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Running
WEDNESDAY, 1/30/2008 - 11:59p
If you know me well enough, you know not to make me mad. Let me just start off by saying, goodness gracious! Acting like they're still in middle school, with their rude bullshit. I hope their parents know that their children are incapable of being civil or having manners. I vented earlier, too, and talked randomly, and felt better. But no. It honestly is the little things. We're almost halfway done with the school year, and I feel so IRRITATED! I'm perfectly fine with a role equivalent to that of a fly on the wall - I basically lived like that for nearly three fucking years. However, it is just plain rude and childish to blatantly ignore someone. Have you no grace? I'm gonna try to let it go. This is a waste of mind power. But then again, it would be a lot easier, and more enjoyable, if I could strangle a bitch.

I wonder if it's better to be a passive-aggressive individual, or a regular directly-aggressive in-yo-face bitch you better run individual.

------

When I think about my family, and my dogs, I feel like nothing else matters.
When I think about my favorite Bible phrases, I feel like everything will be okay.
It makes me miss them all so much more and I just want to cry!
Nothing else matters.
Nobody else matters.

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Back!
Wednesday. 1.16.08 11:45 pm
Ok. Holy shit. Completely forgot about this! Ernestine had to be all super creeper and find it for me. That girl is amazing, I swear... all 10 years that I've known her. :)

So much drama has happened these past few years. It's amazing. Funny how 6 months turned into over three years. Like I would've kept in touch anyway! Well. I do still write in my xanga, but that's besides the point.

This is like nostalgia night, no lie. And... I'm in college but it still feels weird saying that. Do I really go to UCSD? I do, but it doesn't seem like it. I dunno. Odd! What else... A lot of personal stuff. Deep, traumatic, life-changing stuff. Maybe I can continue this? I dunno. We'll see. I have one more reasing to finish, and a paper to start. Shit!


Re-reading this, I feel like such a potty mouth. Sorry, world.

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I Quit.
Sunday, May 2, 2004
See you again in 6 months.

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